Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Top 10 Reasons Why I Hate Minnesota

Yes, 72 hours and counting 'til the 'Play-Out' Game at the Barn. Below is the aforementioned Top 10 List:

#10 Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome: The home to the Minnesota Vikings, Twins and Golden Gophers football is better known as the Humpty Dome. A Green Bay writer put it best, "The Metrodome is a dump. Is there any other way to sugarcoat it? From the messed up parking outside, to the manufactured noise and the overcrowded concourses inside, this is a lousy place to play a football game. The sooner the stadium gets bulldozed, the better."

#9 Common Loon: The Minnesota state bird, also known as the Great Northern Diver Bird. The Loon is known for being typically clumsy, as its legs are positioned behind its rear. There's a shocker. The Latin species name for the Loon translates as 'sea smew', grey or blackened ashes of a fire. Bizarre choice, Minnesota.

#8 Hazeltine National Golf Club: The Robert Trent Jones designed course is prestigious and has played host to multiple major championships over the years. Yet, in their last 3 major championships (1983, 1991 and 2002), the respective winners have been Billy Casper, Payne Stewart and Rich Beem.  Not exactly Nicklaus, Palmer, or Tiger.  Also, Hazeltine has a no cell phone policy, really?

#7 Love of Hockey: Yes, I know Michigan has an infatuation with the niche sport as well, but Minnesotans take their passion to a whole different level. The state of 10,000 Lakes (91 lakes are named Long Lake, where's the orginality?), saw its first professional hockey team, the North Stars, leave for Dallas in 1994. Join Canada, already, won't you?

#6 Jesse Ventura: Aah, how could I forget, Minnesota elected the former wrestler as Governor of their state from 1999 to 2002. Not that Michigan has much to brag about in this department, but at least the political leaders of Wolverine state have not called for prostitution to become legal, like Ventura did. Politics in Minnesota tends to have an independent streak: pick a party and make up your mind already, Minnesotan's (Is that the right term, Minnesotan? I guess.)

#5 Collapsing Bridges: At 6:05 local time on August 1, 2007, the I-35W Mississippi River Bridge tragically collapsed, killing 13 and injuring close to 150 people. Design flaw was the supposed reason for the catastrophe.  Nothing more needed here, you get the idea.

#4 Tim Brewster: University of Minnesota head football coach.  Brewster is a very shady character, who picks up a ton of JUCO transfers.  His wikipedia page begins with the following statement: "He is well-known as a fierce recruiter." Well, that's one way to put it. I'd put $100 down on a NCAA recruiting violation by 2010.

#3 Williams Arena: The home to Minnesota basketball is old (opened in 1928) and has an elevated floor. Better known as "The Barn", the floor is raised two feet above the ground surface.  I wouldn't want a seat in the first row, I'd be severely obstructed. Let's just hope no one from Michigan gets hurt diving after a loose ball out of bounds. I guess the lone positive is the preparation the elevated floor will provide Michigan when they see a similar surface at Ford Field for the Final Four.

#2 The Barnyard: The name of the Minnesota basketball student section.  Real creative Gopher fans. I can deal with the Paint Crew at Purdue, the Iz-Zone at Michigan State, but the Barnyard. Why not Tubby's team? All I'll say is tickets are still available for the Michigan-Minnesota game on Saturday and it better be sold out.

#1 Weather: If you think it's cold in Michigan, know you could always have it worse, much worse.  A blogger on Portana's Times wrote the following: "A word to the wise who think they want to move to Minnesota. If you don't like the cold, or severe weather, stay the #$%& away. I used to think Montana weather was bad-ha! Its the freaking tropics compared to this #$%^ that has been happening since November. I will never complain about the weather again in Montana or anywhere else I have lived after living in this hell hole of a weather cycle."

BEAT THE GOPHERS, PLEASE!!!

37 comments:

Matt Boyer said...

I think this is the first time I've ever seen Rob use a "four-letter word," in print or vocally. Nice post.

Andy said...

Rob, the common loon is an awesome bird. When it takes off from the water, it RUNS along the surface as it flaps its wings! Also, diving birds are inherently cool.

Anonymous said...

haha you think the dome is bad? Michigan is the dirtest state ever. I think that is so funny how you took time to write about a state that you hate when your state has absolutly nothing to offer, excepts cars... oh wait, not even that anymore

Anonymous said...

thats strange, i thought Minnesota was the best place to live in the whole counrty? i think you got your information all wrong becuase iv heard nothing about michigan, except for how bad the schools are and how its full of dirty citys filled with poverty.

Matt hates Minnesota said...

I agree- Minnesota sucks. The teams suck (including the Twins). The people are horrible and the schools are overrated. The U is horrible and just another typical party school, nothing special educationally. I'm from Fort Wayne, which is 1000x better, oddly enough!

Anonymous said...

I lived in Minnesota for 4 years. Not only is the weather cold but so are the people. Horrible place to live!

Anonymous said...

Of all the Minnesota sports teams, I hate the Twins the most. Mainly because they always win, even with young players. Not only that, but they play like the 1995 New Jersey Devils every year. They practically cheat. Justin Morneau and Joe Mauer are a bunch of showoffs. The thing I hate the most about the twins is that they always beat the Tigers by a million runs. They also have the most perfect closer in the game, and the Twins never make mistakes. The Twins are a team full of bastards. Dammit, I REALLY hate the Minnesota Twins. I really wish major league baseball would contract them.

Anonymous said...

I hate the Minnesota Twins more than any other team in sprots, as a matter of fact. Every time the fucking Twins play the Tigers, everything goes their way. Why couldn't Major League Baseball move the Twins to the NL Central in 1998 instead of the Brewers?

Anonymous said...

What the FUCK is wrong with you? You think that Minnesota sucks? Have you looked at Michigan?! It's probably one of the most fucked up states I've ever had to look at. Your state is filled with shit and poverty...Not to mention your schools are FUCKED UP. We have some of the most educational schools IN THE COUNTRY. So before you write something bad about Minnesota, look at Michigan and find something bad about it. I'm sure you'll find more bad things about Michigan than Minnesota. And what's worse, don't post it on the web where Minnesotans are going to see it and bitch at you..got it? And if you think that just because Minnesota wins, that they're cheating, then you've got a pretty fucked up mind, because the reason they win is because, of let's see....THEY'RE BETTER. Yeah whatever fuck off Minnesota.

Anonymous said...

Wow you honestly have no life to write this Michigan is a lot worse and for weather suck it up and put on a coat!!! hockey also saved this countries ass in the cold war in 1980 the dome yeah it does suck its gonna be gone soon but still is the loudest place to play the bridge? have you no respect for the dead? yes there was design flaw but that was a long time ago that it was made and im positive michigan wasnt perfect either the loon a lot more creative then a robin and our schools are top knotch the u of m is predicting to be able to cure diabetes they have found a way that could possibly reconstruct organs we have the best rated city in the nation to live so SUCK IT

Anonymous said...

Can't stand the cold? All US citizens except Minnesotans are wimps. (Maybe including Alaska) And we have the best of everything! People, state, schools, etc. Unfortunately we are surrounded by alot of garbage, especially Iowa. Anyway, point of story; MINNESOTA IS TH BEST!!!!

Anonymous said...

Wow, This is hilarious. I think I've found the reason why Michigan is the worst state around...It's too busy dissing great states to fix it's own hell hole. Why don't you guys stick to dealing with your FAILING INDUSTIRES, CRIME RIDDEN CITIES and ATROCIOUS UNEMPLOYMENT RATES and let us deal with our loons and winters. Cuz when it comes to Minnesota vs. Michigan, it's clear to see whose the one with the real problems. Geez, what a bunch of sore losers

Anonymous said...

The Twins are the worst cheaters in sports and when they're not playing in their Cheaterdome they're an extremely average team. Why do they pretend they don't manipulate those blowers during the games? Everyone knows they do. This year when the play on what should be a more level playing field they'll get their butts kicked and their bloated manager won't be called a genius anymore and their super-egotistical players will probably all have to use steroids (if they don't already) to achieve anything near the numbers they had in the Cheaterdome. LOLOL

Anonymous said...

You're the ones that are fucked up. Michigan has been the worst state for years. Everybody thinks Michigan is full of arrogant people, but I resent that, all of you fuckheads thinking that I'm arrogant.

T. Jensen said...

Your arguments are pathetic. You're insulting the state bird?! Yours is a robin..how original.

Anonymous said...

A valid opinion as is mine, buddies: I love Minnesota and its loons and find the Minnesotans civil compared to the bleedin' Londoners in England, my native country where I live. I'd rather be cold in Minnesota than weirded out in Cincinnati and enjoy hanging out in the St.P. and uptown Mpls bars, cafes and bookstores. Some good music venues too. (Barb)

Anonymous said...

I think Minnesota is the best state in the US and has the best things to offer! I recently stumbled upon this blog that I found pretty funny in its reference to Minnesota: http://burisonthecouch.wordpress.com/2009/06/23/theres-no-place-like-home-sort-of/

Thanks for the post! Minnesota rocks!

-Martha

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Anonymous said...

Haha funny how us Minnesotans aren't "consistent voters" we've voted democratically in every presidential election since the early 1900's except when we voted for Reagan. Either way, michigan sucks ass you poverty stricken unemployed sore losers. Put a jacket on you pansies

Anonymous said...

My husband worked in two different jobs in MN. They didn't even give him a CHANCE to fit in. We come clear across the country after having to give up our home. Finding a place was almost near impossible and never mind that his co workers acted like spoiled children not wanting to share their sandbox.

I consider MN a sad state filled with fear of the different. May God bless them all, even the hateful ones!

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